dying wish
by mattiesaurus
Summary: ok im just gonna post this because I kind of want to continue it but I want feed back from more then two people before I do. this is just a small portion of a huge story i have written in my head, this is just the only part written down tho. so if you read this please, please message me with some feed back. uvu self-indulgent shippy angst fic, gomen. Warning: character death.
1. Chapter 1

_Coming home and finding Enma collapsed on the bathroom floor was the scariest moment of my life. Scarier then any battle I'd fought, scarier then any enemy I've faced… He had clearly vomited blood; there was still some dripping from his lips. The stark contrast from his blood made his complexion look white. My own stomach dropped, because at first I thought he wasn't breathing. When I picked him up his eyes opened a little though. Then he just gave me this stupid, apologetic, smile and said, _"I know it's my turn to make dinner, but I'm not really feeling well. I'm sorry." _That was three days ago… He hasn't woken up again since._

It was late November, and raining. It wasn't cold enough to snow, but it was one of those awful half frozen slushy rains. The sound of it hitting against the window was just one more rhythmic sound to fill the room. It was late afternoon, but the heavy cloud cover made it dark and there was only one small lamp on in the little hospital room.

Tsuna rubbed his face tiredly. He hadn't slept much for the past three days, for that matter he hadn't even moved much. Not that he felt like doing either. He let out a shaky breath and stroked Enma's hand with his thumb. There was nothing he could do. There wasn't anything anyone could do, and even if he knew that he still hated not being able to help him. For the first time since graduating high school he really felt like 'no-good Tsuna' again. He quietly lifted Enma's hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles.

"Are you going to sleep all day again? It's not good for you to keep sleeping this much… I wish you'd wake up soon." Just like yesterday and the day before Enma didn't respond. Tsuna sighed softly and interlaced their fingers, the matching gold bands on their ring fingers clicking together softly.

He didn't remember falling asleep but the next time he looked at the clock it was a little after ten pm and someone had draped a blanket over his shoulders. It was still raining. Enma's hand twitched lightly in his sleep and Tsuna gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Don't worry. I'm still here."

"Tsu-…" Enma's voice cracked, cutting off his words, and was barely even audible.

Tsuna's breath caught in his throat for a moment, and the tears of relief that were starting to form felt hot.

"Oh, God… Enma… Thank God…" He pressed a hand against Enma's cheek and rubbed the tears away with the other. He started to move to go inform someone at the nurse's station but Enma grabbed his hand lightly and he stopped.

"Wait… Stay with me for a while first. Please?"

Tsuna bit his lip slightly, he had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn't quite put a reason to. He sat down on the bed and slid his arm under Enma's shoulders and pulled him tight to his chest. Enma pressed his face against Tsuna's neck and smiled a little.

"You smell good…"

Tsuna breathed a soft laugh and kissed Enma's hair, "I haven't showered in three days though."

"Tsuna smells like Tsuna so it's nice."

"If you say so."

They stayed like that for a brief, indefinite amount of time. Tsuna kissing Enma's head and face repeatedly, holding him tighter then he ever had before. Enma didn't move, or speak again and Tsuna wondered if he'd fallen asleep again. But then Enma raised his hand to Tsuna's cheek and Tsuna could feel it shaking, like it took all his energy just to keep it here. He placed his own hand over Enma's and leaned over to kiss Enma when prompted. The kiss was quiet and brief and more loving and passionate then when they were married. When they pulled apart Enma's breathing was shaky and labored and that dark pit formed in Tsuna's stomach all over again.

"Enma…?"

"I'm sorry… I wanted to spend more time with Tsuna. I'm sorry…"

_Time of death: November 29__th__, 11.03 PM_

Tsuna buried his face in Enma's hair and clutched him tighter to his chest. His shoulders shook slightly as he started crying. Even as Enma's body went cold and stiff he sobbed and begged Enma to wake up again. He wouldn't move or relinquish Enma's body until Dino arrived around 4 am. Even then it was only after he had to physically remove Tsuna from the room. Tsuna struggled against Dino's hold, sobbing and screaming.

"Dino, let go! You have to let me stay with him! He hates sleeping alone! He gets nightmares and…!" He jerked his body forward trying to break Dino's grip again and then slouched defeatedly, "Don't take him away… please…"

Dino sighed softly and gently pressed Tsuna's head down to his shoulder. He didn't say anything and just let Tsuna cry for a while before taking a step back giving him a small, reassuring smile and guided Tsuna by the shoulders towards the lift.

"Come on. I'll take you home."

_Enma's funeral was held on December 2__nd__. Three days after his death. One day after our second wedding anniversary. He was buried with his wedding ring, but for safety's sake I held onto the Shimon ring. I understand why, but still, it should have stayed with him, it meant so much to him. The ceremony and burial were just a blur. The only thing I clearly recall was that that day, it snowed for the first time that winter._


	2. Chapter 2

"Tsuna why are you still laying there, we're going to be late." Iemitsu shook Tsuna's shoulder lightly, trying to get him to move.

"Late…?" Tsuna echoed quietly, ignoring the prompt to move.

"To the airport, for our flight. You have to get up some time and we already made arrangements to fly to Japan to spend New Year's with Mom."

"Mn…" Tsuna curled up a little tighter and buried his face into the plush rabbit's fur, "I don't want to."

"That's nice. This isn't a suggestion I'm making as the outside advisor, this is advice I'm giving you as your father." He grabbed Tsuna by the shoulders and dragged him to his feet, "And as your father I'm not giving you a choice about this either. When was the last time you even showered?"

Tsuna shrugged slightly and Iemitsu sighed. He gently tugged the rabbit from Tsuna's grip and pushed him towards the bathroom.

"Go shower, I'll throw some things together for you."

Tsuna made to reach for the rabbit, but Iemitsu managed to guide him into the bathroom and closed the door. The shower turned on a few seconds later. Iemitsu set the rabbit back down on the bed and let out a heavy sigh. As a father it broke his heart to see Tsuna so completely broken. He was pretty sure that Tsuna was still wearing the same shirt he'd been wearing at the funeral.

Iemitsu guided Tsuna out of the house with hand pressed against his back. Tsuna just let himself be pushed along; it was too much effort to protest. He said nothing; just quietly clutched the plush in his lap and Iemitsu respected his silence. Iemitsu turned off the car and they sat there for a moment before he reached into his jacket pocket and handed something to Tsuna.

"Here. This was on your kitchen table."

Tsuna took what was handed to him and looked at it. It was a plain DVD in a paper sleeve. In purple sharpie were the words _"for Tsuna: in case I don't wake up"_ were written in Enma's handwriting. Tsuna felt his throat tighten and he bit the inside of his lip.

Iemitsu gave Tsuna a reassuring smile and rubbed his shoulder gently, "Come on, Mom's waiting for us."

"Nana! We're home!" Iemitsu called in the usual excited tone he had whenever he came home. Tsuna followed behind him, his blank expression remaining the same. Iemitsu still kept a hand on Tsuna's arm though.

As soon as they walked through the door the house exploded into a near riot. Even though the kids were in high school now they were as noisy as ever. Tsuna ignored or didn't notice the activity and just headed up the stairs to his room.

"Tsunii!" Fuuta called up to him from the bottom of the stairs, "Mama made a lot of food, aren't you gonna come eat?"

Tsuna shook his head, "I'm not hungry."

The grin on Fuuta's face faded. "I see… I'll make sure Lambo doesn't eat it all then in case you want some later."

Tsuna dropped his backpack on the floor and leaned against the door after closing it. At one point of another most of the small things in his room had moved with him to Italy, so the room felt a little empty. He hadn't realized how empty it had become, not having spent much time in there for several years. For the last five years even when he did come home to Japan he always stayed at a hotel with Enma. Tsuna sank down onto the bed and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. Even far away from their home he could feel the lack of Enma's presence weighing down on him.

Tsuna only glanced up again when he heard his door open. His mom came in and placed a tray of food on his desk.

"I thought you might change your mind about being hungry."

"Thank you…"

She sat down next to him and rubbed his back gently, "I also wanted to make sure you were doing alright."

Tsuna bit his lip and choked back a sob. He leaned his head against her shoulder, shaking his head and she rested her hand on it.

"No…" Tsuna's voice was tight as he held back tears, "I'm not alright at all."


	3. Chapter 3

"Sawada!"

"Tsukkun!"

The kids had dragged Tsuna out of his room to attend the New Year's festival. Ryouhei and Kyoko were waiting for them outside. They both gave him broad smiles. Ryouhei clapped his shoulder and gave him an affectionate shake.

"Good to see you out and about. Octopus was telling me you wouldn't even leave your house." His expression softened from his usual excited grin, "I'm sorry I couldn't make to his funeral."

"Tsuna… Ryouhei told me about Enma. I'm so sorry."

Lambo tipped his head out and let out an exaggerated groan, "Ugh! You guys are being so depressing. What's the point of dragging Tsuna out somewhere to try and get mind off things a little if you're just going to keep talking about it?" He grabbed Tsuna's wrist in one hand and took Kyoko's hand in his other and started marching purposefully away from the house.

Tsuna let himself be dragged around the festival, indulging Lambo's childish whims. He stayed quiet for the most part, he considered walking home a few times when everyone else was distracted. Someone always grabbed him before he could leave though. All of them were determined to make him stay.

"Tsuna! Come on, we're gonna find a spot to watch fireworks!"

"Ah… Yeah I'm coming."

Tsuna followed when Lambo tugged on his shirt. He didn't follow very far though and sat down by himself on a bench away from the rowdy group. He puts his feet up on the bench and hugged his knees to his chest, resting his forehead on them. Honestly he wasn't in the mood to watch fireworks.

A light touch on his arm made Tsuna startle and look up. Kyoko was standing in front of him.

"Are you going to join everyone?"

Tsuna shook his head, "No… I think I might just go home."

She smiled and offered her hand to help him up, "Can I come with you? It's been a while since we've seen each other. It might be nice to catch up a little… the only thing I've heard is…" She didn't feel like she should say the words out loud.

Tsuna gave a slight smile and stood up, "Oh, yeah… Ryouhei told me you were studying in America."

Kyoko nodded, smiling a little. "Yeah. With my brother being like he is I wanted to go to medical school."

"I see. Are you home now or… ?"

"No. I have one more semester. I'm headed back tomorrow actually. But I'm glad I could see you first."

They walked in silence until they got back to Tsuna's house. Kyoko touched his hand to stop him as he opened the gate.

"Tsuna… When I get back, if you're still in Japan, we should get together more often."

Tsuna just shrugged a little and Kyoko let her hand drop off his.

"Well, think about it, okay?"

Tsunayoshi did end up staying in Japan. It was easier to find things to do to keep his mind off things. It was easier to just go through the motions of helping his mom around the house, or the kids with their studies then it was to try and focus on his own work. He was glad Gokudera was more then willing to pick up his slack. It had been over six months, but most of the time he still felt like he was floating in a dream world.

"Tsunaaa!" Lambo's distressed whine, pierced through Tsuna's thoughts, "My calculator ran out of batteries…"

"I think I have some in my room. I'll go check."

Tsuna sifted through his desk drawers, trying to find the batteries for Lambo and his hand hit something and knocked it out from under a piece of paper. He frowned a little, not recognizing the small white square. He picked it up and flipped it over and his chest tightened. It was the DVD his father had found on the kitchen table. The one with Enma's handwriting. He had never watched it.

He took his laptop and sat down on the edge of his bed. His hands shook a little as he opened the CD envelope and put the disk in the drive. The video started up. Enma was sitting at their kitchen table, he looked exhausted and pale. Tsuna's stomach tightened when he noticed the time on the oven clock. The video had been recorded only about an hour and a half before he'd gotten home. Enma was talking to himself a little as he checked to make sure the computer was recording and then took a shakey breath before he started speaking towards the camera.

"Tsuna… I hope you never get this. I hope I'll be able to come home and put this DVD in the microwave and forget about it. But… My body feels like it's giving out. It feels worse then it has in the past, and this time…" He paused and bit his lip.

"This time, I don't know if I'll recover. And there are some things I want to say. The first being thank you. Through out the whole time we've been together, no matter how many times I gave you the chance to back out when I told you I might not live very long. But you'd just tell me that was all the more reason for you to stay." He held his to his chest; Tsuna noticed he was playing with his wedding ring. Enma looked like he was trying not to cry. "Thank you, Tsuna. I love you so much, please remember that."

Enma took another deep breath before continuing, "The second thing I want you to know, just in case, is that I know better then anyone how much losing someone so close to you hurts. I know the pain never leaves you, it never even fades. It stays with you forever. But eventually you find things that make you as equally happy as you are sad and hurt, and you learn to live again, and you learn to put the pain away somewhere it won't keep dragging you down… And… You smile again. Which is the third thing I want to say. This one is more of a request. Please, even if I do die, please smile again. Even if years pass first. Find some reason you can smile genuinely, with all your heart." Enma looked down, and when he looked back up at the camera he was smiling, but there were tears rolling down his cheeks too, "Tsuna, please… Please be happy again!"

Tsuna's hands were trembling and he had tears on his own face when the video ended. He put his hand over his mouth to muffle a slight sob. He rubbed his face and tried to collect himself back together. He stared down at his phone for a moment. He took a deep breath before flipping through his contacts until he found the one he wanted.

"Kyoko-chan? It's Tsuna. Uhm… Did you still want to meet up for coffee or something?"


End file.
